Friday, August 15, 2008


You are gone tonight. You left for the weekend at 6pm. I don’t know why I think of you so much more when you’re gone than when you are here, but I do. Your sister cried for you twice tonight. I wonder what you’re doing and what you’re saying. I wonder how you act with her. I wonder what you talk about. I wonder if you EVER miss me. I wonder. I wonder who you’ll be. I wonder if you’ll love me when you’re 18. I wonder if you’ll hate me when you’re 18. I don’t treat you the way I should a lot of the time. It is hard, but that is no excuse. I have wanted to write you something for a long time. You amaze me. I bet you didn’t know that, but you do. You are so forgiving. I can completely cut you down and the next minute you’re right there holding the door for me. Do you know how that makes me feel? I can’t thank you enough for being the big sister that you are to your little sister and brother. I never could have imagined that you would be so close. I know there is a lot of bickering, but I also see the love between the two of you. I can’t imagine that one day you could be living in separate homes. It makes me cry. I would miss you so much. I have to tell you that there are times when I enjoy the little ones and the quieter house when you leave, but to think of it as a permanent situation makes my insides hurt. I admire you. I never tell you that but I do. I wish that I didn’t care what other people thought of me. You could care less and that is hard to come by these days. I imagine that might change as you reach your teenage years, but I pray it doesn’t. It will help you so much as an adult. I pray that you will hold the values that your daddy and I have taught you. I pray that Jesus will be important to you then like he is to you now. I want you to know everything that your daddy did to keep you where he thought it would be safest for you. He NEVER wanted you to hate your mother, although there were times when he had to explain things she did because you were so confused at times. I’m sorry for the times I couldn’t hold my tongue and said some things about her that I shouldn’t have. Unfortunately I can’t promise that that won’t happen again, but it is a daily struggle not to say anything sometimes. Will you forgive me? I can tell you this: she loves you and that is all I know as a truth about her. You are my stepdaughter because God chose you to be my stepdaughter and because I chose your daddy and you were part of a “package deal”. I will be more loving to you because I want you to know that you’re loved not only by your mommy and daddy, but also specifically by me. I will learn things from you and hopefully you will learn good things from me. I will try to be a better example. I will no longer hold regrets in my heart of things I have said or done to you that I know were wrong. OUR God has forgiven me for that. I will look ahead at our future together as something that God has designed for our lives and how can that be a bad thing? I have hope that we will be close. I will enjoy time spent with you and treasure you. I hold a special place for you in my heart. I wanted you to know these things. I dream about a day when you might be proud to call me your stepmother, for you are my ONE and ONLY stepdaughter.

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