Friday, December 12, 2008


Ok...this is officially the hardest day of my life.  I question my faith, my purpose, my entire life.  We went to court this morning with a renewed hope in our argument to keep custody of my step-daughter.  We fought all day yesterday in court and argued our point the best we could (well, our attorney did).  At the end of the day, the judge couldn't make a decision and he thought it best to return this morning for his decision.  Because of that we thought we had a 50/50 chance even though the psychiatrists' report had been in her (my husband's ex-wife) favor.  I wonder if you ever can prepare yourself enough for the worst.  I don't think if I had expected the worst possible scenario this morning that it would have been enough to handle what was dealt to me/us.  The judge had us wait until 1045am in order to start his ruling.  He said things about me that characterized a person that I am not familiar with.  Some of it was complete lies and other parts were a description of who I used to be.  At what point do we consider someone to be "rehabilitated" or better than their former self?  At what point does society say, "ok...that is enough to show that this person has changed?"  If we continue to shove people's faces into their past mistakes and/or shortcomings, how will they ever feel confident enough to move on and/or believe in themselves enough to work on their character flaws?  If I've learned one thing out of all of this it is not to judge someone for who or what they did an hour ago, a day ago, a week ago, or years ago.  It serves no purpose.  WE ALL MAKE MISTAKES - some more extreme than others, but nevertheless mistakes.  It is impossible to live a life free from judgement?  Probably not, but the way I was judged today gives me a new perspective.  The sadness that I feel is great, the remorse I feel for my actions in my youth are great, but I must trudge on.  I have two other beautiful children that depend on me everyday.  There is only one being that matters that will hold me accountable some day and that is God.  He knows I am a good mother to my children and he knows how much I love my step-daughter.  I don't know why this happened.  I don't have the answer to why bad things happen, but I know that somehow God will use this.  I know I began this post saying I question my faith - and I do...but not enough to let go of it.  I know there has to be a higher purpose to all of this - I just couldn't go on without that hope.  Proverbs 23:18  There is surely a future hope for you, and your hope will not be cut off.  

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